High conflict family law matters

We all know someone who we might consider “high conflict” and high conflict personalities appear in family law disputes as they do in life. In fact, they are overrepresented in litigation.

Who is a “high conflict” person?

A high conflict personality (HCP) is a person with certain common characteristics that make them difficult and intractable to deal with. People who exhibit traits of “Cluster B” personality disorders or have a diagnosed Cluster B personality disorder will almost invariably fall into this category.

High conflict personality disorder is not a recognised diagnosis. However, it is a term that is used to describe a pattern of behaviour.

What is a “Cluster B” personality disorder?

Cluster B personality disorders – or high conflict personality disorders – include antisocial personality disorder (APD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), histrionic personality disorder (HPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Not everyone who is has a high conflict personality is necessarily diagnosable with a disorder and it’s possible for a diagnosed person to fall outside of the category of high conflict, if treated. People with diagnosed, untreated Cluster B personality disorders will almost always be high conflict.

Can other people also have a high conflict personality?

Yes. Sometimes, high conflict personalities are also seen with paranoid personality disorder (PPD), which is a Cluster A personality disorder.

We recognise high conflict personalities by behaviour, so this may be evident in people who have not been diagnosed with a personality disorder or have clear traits of a particular disorder. Obviously as lawyers, we are not able to diagnose parties with personality disorders. Instead we use the term “high conflict personality”. High conflict personalities share a number of features of their behaviour in common when it comes to family law matters and litigation.

High conflict personality traits can also be caused by unresolved trauma, learned behaviour or other underlying psychological factors.

Anyone is capable of high conflict at times, particularly under stress. However, for HCPs this persists over time.

What are some features of high conflict personalities?

Some of the characteristics commonly shared by high conflict personalities include:

• Emotional dysregulation – Rapid, intense mood shifts with difficulty managing emotions or “emotional turbulence”.
• Impulsivity – This can manifest as substance abuse or other risky or reckless behaviour. It also manifests in decision making, with rapid changes of mind, often in retaliation to an event or trigger.
• Difficulty maintaining relationships – Dramatic behaviour and intense mood shifts make relationships intense and chaotic and HCPs can find it hard to maintain ongoing relationships.
• Preoccupation with conflict – HCPs thrive in conflict and will create tension and disagreements in relationships. Their behaviour can be hostile and can escalate rapidly.
• Difficulty accepting criticism or communicating in a constructive way – HCPs tend to blame others and have difficulty accepting responsibility for their own conduct.
• Polarised or “all or nothing” thinking – Situations are viewed in black and white terms with no middle ground, for example seeing a person as entirely good or entirely bad, fully supportive or completely against them.  
• Lack of self-awareness – High conflict individuals usually have limited insight into how their behaviour affects others. They often do not realise that they are being overly aggressive or irrational and/or perceive themselves to be justified in their conduct. Because they are unable to see their own contribution to the conflict, they don’t try to change their behaviour.
• Extreme behaviours or threats – Often seeing as a growing pattern of behaviour over time.

Often these behaviours are hidden at the start of a relationship and are only revealed in time. Usually, it is little by little that these behaviours become evident. Initially, excuses for the behaviour may seem reasonable and it is often only after these excuses start to wear thin, or the HCP starts to blame the other person for their own behaviour, that their high conflict nature becomes evident.

Can high conflict personality disorders be treated?

Yes, it is possible for high conflict personalities to obtain treatment, primary aimed to reduce the intensity of their conflicts and learn skills to manage their emotions. This can include cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), in particular dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), or psychodynamic therapy. HCPs will sometimes be treated with medication also.

Commonly, a high conflict person is not looking for treatment (particularly because they often see others as the problem and not themselves).

What does this mean for litigation?

Litigation is more likely if one or both of the parties are high conflict as they are more reactive and see things in absolute terms. They have difficulty recognising their position may not be as strong as they think and are reluctant to make any concessions. Litigation often by its nature involves triggers for a high conflict person – for example, being criticised.

Often this translates to long and expensive proceedings. HCPs will often make vague, broad-brush statements that don’t accurately represent the objective facts, which requires the other party to respond in detail.

How can you help me?

Our principal lawyer, Emmalaura Messer, has a well-developed practice in matters where high conflict personalities are involved. With undergraduate training in psychology, Emmalaura was plunged into working in high conflict matters from early in her career. In 2015, Emmalaura undertook additional training as part of a Master of Laws degree in managing high conflict personalities in legal disputes.

At Starling Family Law, we deal with high conflict matters in two ways. The first is to combat your legal matter in a strategic manner, to try to limit the conflict (if possible) and constrain unnecessary expenditure on legal fees. The second is to provide clients with proven techniques that and help them develop skills that will assist them to manage the HCPs behaviour over time so that issues are less likely to arise in future, particularly after lawyers are no longer involved.

How do I find out more?

Contact us to make an appointment – we will discuss with you in our initial meeting if there are indications of high conflict issues. You can also see our high conflict relationships services page.